Dec 11, 2007

Goodbyes and all that!





What must I do, to tame you?
asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox.
First you will sit down
at a little distance from me
-like that-in the grass.
I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye,
and you will say nothing.
Words are the source of misunderstandings.
But you will sit a little closer to me,
every day..."

...................
And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye" he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox.
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret:
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Oct 29, 2007

Shouting in the darkness



Shouting in the darkness
cold air cutting through me
whispering my songs under my breath to not hurt yout jaded ears
slowing my dance to keep you with me
holding the pressure at the seam of my veins
holding my smirk at the flicker of shame in your eyes
blushing purple everytime i look at you
feeling the karma bubbling inside me
never knowing what comes next
always knowing only one half of the story
and you never knowing anything!

Oct 27, 2007

October..........

Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Khalil Gibran
Pain is why I did that then, and why you do this now.
Blake Allen
Pose Pose why do you suppose why Pain is our name? Because that’s what we choose.

Oct 20, 2007

Empty boats...............




your boat is empty
your boat is empty
Your boat is empty
GO AWAY!

Sep 23, 2007

Is THAT' you?



The little voice of wisdom inside that you keep ignoring...because you were obviously more impressed with 'THAT!
Flashy suave and glamorous!and you start thinking 'THAT' is all that you ever wanted to become!
That sharp look in the eye...ARROGANCE...CONFIDENCE and all the power to buy the whole world...and the world dying to be bought by 'THAT'..
and then slowly you realise there are 1000 masters shouting orders at'THAT'......
maybe 'that' loves it this way...
maybe 'THAT' likes to be thus!
maybe THAT' really doesnt care about the ends and means...
maybe THAT' is just a lttle caught for now...
maybe THAT didnt mean to ....
just maybe 'THAT' has a heart of gold inside...maybe

and you cringe ....if only you had the courage to ask...

Is that' you?
IS that' what you wanted to be?

Sep 11, 2007

Then what happened?

Tell me the next story...then what hAppened?

I was looking for a river..and the river was too big to be mine..and so i decided not to call it mine anymore...and then i even stopped looking at that river...because offcourse it wasnt even mine!
and the river began singing...
and i lost my ability to hear..i was getting old and cynical you know!
then waht happened?
and then i thot it was winter coming...and maybe it was coming..but how would that change any damn thing?
so what if september was here? and so what if november would be here?
and so waht if i undestood what it was about ...
i would still be here in
this metro life!
this bloody metro life!

Aug 24, 2007

Men who tell stories...



long time that i have been listeneing to stories...
stories of those storytellers that i have looked upto...
there is a certain awe...when you open your mouth to speak...and you have so many beautiful words that i want to fill my universe with...
but i know you have just told me that story because i was around...you dint make the story for me...it comes to you...just like i come to you and look at you and you know that you have to tell a story now...
i dont know why i am the chosen one
perhaps because someday i would have my own stories to tell...
but my stories will be different..they will be stories that people can keep......i hate returning the stories that i have loved...and i hate listening to your stories when i cant walk away into the horizon holding your hand walking to the end of that story...and yet i am listening to your story now...

Jul 13, 2007

Yellow!



Somedays I am yellow!
Those are the days I get up from a familiar bed...smell familiar pillows....
There is green tea waiting for me beside the bed.
There is somebody calling my name,the same way she has called me for the last 24 yrs of my life.
I wish I could always be as yellow as that!
Everybody knows my name when I am yellow

Jun 3, 2007

The Legend of the Fall...

Andrei Tarkovsky

I believe if one tells the truth, some kind of inner truth, one will always be understood. — for the creator the fundamental problem will always be honestyFor me

Reality is in general much greater than what I can find in it, much deeper and more sacred than I'm able to perceive.

I wanted to say something else — that what is important is not what one accomplished after all but that one entered the path to accomplish it in the first place. Why doesn't it matter where he arrived? Because the path is infinite. And the journey has no end. Because of that it is of absolutely no consequence whether you are standing near the beginning or near the end already — before you there is a journey that will never end. And if you didn't enter the path — the most important thing is to enter it. Here lies the problem. That's why for me what's important is not so much the path but the moment at which a man enters it, enters any path.

When we talk about freedom, we have in mind... I don't know — if you want to be free you are always free. We know that people even in prison can be free. One should also never link freedom with progress, this absolutely cannot be done. Since the beginning of human consciousness and individuality man could either be free or not free — in the inner sense of the word. That's why when we talk about freedom we shouldn't confuse the topics of rights and freedom, inner, spiritual freedom.
And it so happens sometimes that the nation, people and the society, do not even accept this artist, sometimes they chase him away, sometimes they do not understand, and they comprehend him only many, many years later. But this isn't important, it means only one thing: that they do not know themselves, they do not know their own problems. And because of that an artist can never oppose his own culture, his own people, by no means he can oppose it; even when he expresses concepts containing ideas unacceptable to the contemporary society it doesn't mean these ideas did not originate inside, within that society. The society hadn't yet enough time to become aware of these problems and the artist as a rule is not consciously aware of them either — he just expresses them, he can feel them. Precisely because he expresses them. Because he is not necessarily wiser beyond his times but he can sense more. He frequently does not understand what he is saying. He repeats words after the adults as a child, repeats without understanding and then the adults say: "Oh my, what is he saying? Did you hear that? Go stand in the corner! Get lost!" Or they give him a thrashing. And they beat him up for repeating the words he heard at home. And he merely grew up in this environment. In brief, I'd like to say this: an artist's role is to be a voice of his people — not even "to be," one cannot "be," one cannot tell oneself to "be" a nation's voice — one simply is.
Naturally, there is a problem here: if you are the people's voice then say only what people demand of you. But here lies the problem, people demand of you nothing. People demand nothing of nobody. It is the artist who behaves as if something was demanded of him, expected of him. Naturally, people do expect, but unconsciously. And exactly in the name of this duty to the public, the people, the times he lives in, he ought to always remember that he does not create for himself. But — although he does not create for himself — he should express only what he feels intimate. Here it may turn out that ideas close to your heart, some aspects of your creative work are not needed by anybody. But in this case you have no right... here you are powerless, you can at most just wait hundred years until it becomes clear whether people needed you at all in the first place.

An artist has no right, that is not that he has no right, he has no instrument which would make him any closer to his people's needs than he already is. He can only believe that God will grant him the possibility of eventually being needed by the nation. Whether he succeeds or not — this is something he does not know and cannot know at this moment.

From this vantage point cinema is a very dangerous art because it is expected to be immediately successful.

Just life itself, somehow more elegant but most of the time frightening, difficult.

I am constantly being asked what this or that means in my films. It's unbearable! An artist does not have to be accountable for his intentions. I did not do any deep thinking about my work. I don't know what my symbols mean. I only desire to induce feelings, any feelings, in viewers. People always try to find "hidden" meanings in my films. But wouldn't it be strange to make a film while striving to hide one's thoughts? My images do not signify anything beyond what they are... We do not know ourselves that well: sometimes we express forces which cannot be grasped by any ordinary measure.

"During preparations for making a new film it is quite clear to me that I am not allowed to consider it to be some form of independent art, a free creation, but rather an implementation of what is perhaps pressing forth from within, where it is not a matter of enjoyment but rather of a painful, perhaps burdening, duty...

"I have never been able to understand how an artist can be in a state of happiness during the creation process. Man does not exist for the purpose of being happy. There is a much, much higher purpose to life than merely being in a state of happiness."

May 29, 2007

Fences




Went back to my old school after decades,remembered each and every detail.
The gate,the classrooms,the toilets,the mango trees...each and evrery brick!..
could have walked blind folded in that one place in the world.
Strange considering i have lost the hope of feelin at home ever...nywhere in the world..gypsy that I have becum.

Touching ones first memories again?
Every memory as fresh as if it happened today...Riding my bicycle in the compound of the school,looking stealthily across the queque for that one face...the peaceful faces of nuns who would look at you most impersonaly as if one were some strange species without any previous family history!
The humilation of wetting ones clothes in front of the whole class...
The mocking face of ayah whispering.."Is that what you are taught at home!"
Its amazing how the geography of that one building has been indented in my
Those red and yellow walls just refuse to fade away..........
something about them....that doesnt go away
something solid that they have left inside me...
I am glad...I still have the power to remember!

May 18, 2007

the colour purple


The color purple
indifference... distance...travel..loneliness...pride
purple..the colour of standing tall
the colour...my mother never wore
the colour...i grew in my veins slowly...painfully
the colour of my bald head
the colour of frozen gazes
the colour of no comfort
the colour of stubborn shamelesness
the colur of unapolgetic desires
the colour of angry prayers
the colour of prayers withdrawn
the colour purple of angry questions
the colour purple!

May 13, 2007

fly fly fly away........



When started writing I promised one thing to myself....
That I would never let myself get obsessed wid 'something' or rather somebody!
I wouldnt linger and waste my life on things which were not working out........
In my language I promised myself that I would never 'marry the fly'
even though I would give myself the freedom to admire the fly,
but only afteri had looked atthe other so called more important things like 'career', 'goals' ,'sensible choices','bring wise'and other such things
but now as time flies away..and I have all the other important things that I acquired by ignoring the fly

I think I miss the fly

THE FLY I NEVER MARRIED!
I wait for another flight now
I wish I could fly away..................

Mad woman


Am I mad because I dont fit in the plastic labels?
Am I mad if I cant help being young?
Am I mad if dont care about what tomorrow brings?
Am I mad if I am not scared of growing old?
AM I mad if I dont care a damn about how I look?
Am I mad if I dont belong to any place?
Am I mad if I tell you the truth about my life all the time?
Am I mad if I dont care a dime about editing my language?
Am I mad if I swear and shout?
Am I mad if I laugh out loud?
YES I AM MAD!!!
THANKS BUT NO THANKS!

May 6, 2007

ASSUME NOTHING!


YOU THINK I AM THAT!
like that?
really????
what makes you think like that?
what makes you so sure?
did i ever say that?
well i could have been kidding?
or who knows??? maybe evn i dont know...
just that I dont understand "this" in you ..
which makes you so sure about life...
should i call it arrogance?
or have you lived a long tiring life?
which has jaded you!
alas my friend ...no excuse is good enough!
all i have to say to you....
ASSUME NOTHING :)

Apr 29, 2007

why do i write?

i write because i crave for the physical act of writing words...with this pitter patter on the keyboard or the smooth sweep of my chinese ink pen on white paper..its the time i get to play god..when the small voices i heard inside me can be given a body...the endless chatter of my mind automatically starts gettin into some meaningful shape as soon as i threaten to put it into words...

i write because i am a woman who likes keeping mum in real life
i write because there are some friends who deserve to know more about me then my tougue can help me reveal.
i write beacuse i think my life is important and the lessons that i learn will be precious enough to be shared
i write because i want to feel alive
i write because it is perhaps the only art i shall own
i write because it keeps me sane
i write because i was made a writing person
i write because my mom forced me to mug up all my lessons by writibg them again and again...so maybe it has seeped into my fingers
i write because i think that is the only way truly civilised exchanges can take place
i write coz maybe i am too civilised
i write to awaken the old wild woman who livs inside me
i write so that i can sharpen my claws
i write coz i must write!

if ???????????





if i could exist without taking space
if i keep quite everytime you hurt me
if i never notice the things that you do
if i never ask for anything
if i crouch everytime you are around
if i never question your motives
if i never asked any audacious questions
if i could help myself from being just another woman

would i be less offensive to you then?

Apr 20, 2007

Laughing out loud!

Sometimes in life when you are struck so bad that you cant cry, life becomes utterly hilarious...
It takes a lot of growing up before you can start seeing the humour in things....and thats when you can be sure ...that you wont marry the fly...
you wudnt become so subjective that you stop noticing other things and people.
Have been feeling guilty about laughing on what had happened in my life, but did I have a choice?
Heroine ran away leaving half the shoot,
Blew it up with a man who was like smell of wet mud...
Overstayed my welcome with a friend,
Didnt get a call from an job interview...
blah blah blah....
cudnt cry coz have no energy or patience left....has happened too many times with me...so am laughing like mad lunatic.....
The joke is on me! But its funny aint it...and it hurts less if you laugh out loudly.

Apr 17, 2007

April Rain


This april heat...and all that is unresolved in the heart

Dreams which play hide and seek....just behind my back

Ghosts which just about touch you, but don't quite!

Promises made to oneself,that one hasnt been able to fulfill

All that in APRIL.

I live in the hope of rain.....

DOES IT RAIN IN APRIL?????????

Apr 3, 2007

In Defence of Impossible Dreams!



Andrei Tarkovsky
D man wid impossible dreams


As I stand defeated in this round ONE ...I look at my dreams and think...well maybe they really were impossible!That they lacked merit!Other peoples dreams are better...the dreams worth dreaming...coz everyone sees the beauty of those dreams.

I am in the wrong time in the wrong season...what am I doing here?
This place that looked like home...and these people who have more often than not understood and nurtured...why suddenly do they turn their back on me ?

Did I go wrong? Should I have dreamed better?

AND THEN SOMETHING IN ME SURGES UP...
stange sensation in my gut..I feel like throwing up...take it all away...all this patronising, sympathising, support!!! all of it I can live without...but my dreams remain my dreams..They came to me without my asking them...I just look inside and see them there...they may have no reasons and they may be here in the wrong season...all that matters is they are mine...!I can't and won't be apologetic about them
AND THEY WONT DIE..THEY LIVE IN MY HEART FOR EVER AND EVER!
AND I SHALL NOT DEFEND IT ANYMORE IN FRONT OF SMALL PEOPLE!

Mar 29, 2007

Reedeeming the dream




Had so utterly lost hope in the sunsets of Dehradune....
Suddenly getting back to order
Am listeningto Silk Route today
Like long back when I would look at the day in the various tones of sunset fallin on my table
Natalie goldberg, Ruskin Bond, Dalai Lama were the distant lights filling me with hope
Those days I had just one vocation, dream dream dream
And then the this real life,
Where cynicism took away the lights out of Dehra
So I thot it wouldnt matter any longer
But I guess...Dehra shall remain
With the promise of sunsets and Darjling tea
My garden smelling of summer
Marigolds,Pansies,and lots of Sweet peas
Bookshelves lined up, smelling of Old books
Statues of Buddha in my garden
Hanuman Chatti, Neem Krori baba,Dehra bazar
Swaying Deodars, Oaks,and Poison Ivys on the wall
Some ghosts in the neighbourhood
Old friends and some old songs.
Thats my dream that hasnt died
Should I thank somebody?
Maybe I should!

Mar 25, 2007

bhains ki aankh


Singin throughout the day

Ye zalim duniya

tujhe jeene nahi degi....

marne bhi nahi degi.........!



There are times when I dont even have enough patience to look at the world straight in the eye...

I resort to looking at it through some appendage (specs, cameras,telescopes!!!) so that it can be made to confirm to some sense!

Got myself a very very foolish display on orkut....the picture is so sweet that I wud almost puke looking at it! Thats not my disposition on most days!!!

I look hard at the world trying to find some semblence of order or design.....must say what I seeeeeeeeeee is not too good....so little truth...so little of the harsh truth that makes life worth living..we are all on such 'sweeten the world drive'.....everything is sweet....so sweet that its killing me! gall and venom in my guts!!!

Two eyes looking at the world.....

No short circuit between my ears......

DUNIYA BHAINS KI AANKH...phoooooooooooooohhh

Mar 18, 2007

whats in the name?

Naam ghum jayega
Remembered Syed Mirzas lecture on how filmakers should have big names so that they realise the importance of their selves and come up with work which is worth it .He said when you say you are a filmaker...you are makin a BIG statement...you are sayin I am a showman!! I show the world how to dream....I am responsible for whatever people do in my name...imagine working with that kind of responsibility and ego and then you realise why are emotional lives of such filmakers so lopsided...here work is all those dreams that love could never be....coz love never is that real...you never have so much of control on how things turn out in love....when you make a film its almost an extension of what you are....you are present in essence there with your film....whether its about your mother...or about some weird tornado that tore off your town from the face of the world..."YOU" and whatever you have learned and made out life...
oh I love my name!!!!!!

Mar 15, 2007

WHY I DONT MIND BEING LABELED AS A FEMINIST!

It hurts when
What we look like is more important than what we are doing
if we get raped its our fault
if we get bashed we must have provoked it
if we raise our voices we are nagging bitches
if we enjoy sex we are nymphos
if we don’t we are frigid
if we love women its because we cant get a real man
if we want to get married we are out to trap a man
if we don’t, we are unnatural
if we stand up for our rights we are aggressive and “unfeminine”
if we don’t we are typical weak females!!!!!!!!
its been a madd madd world so far...and i dont mind drawing out my dagger and shouting I OBJECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!