Invoking Brahma

The lord divine. With 100 heads...Creator!
How do you create?
Does the resistance of the earth not slow your wheel?
Does the suffering that comes in creation not bow you down?
The cold unwilling atoms of creation ...how do you thaw them?
The hundred other things crying for attention not distract you?
Does the infinite hunger of already created existence not weight down your hands?
Do you create because that's the only thing you know?
Do you create with joy?
Do you create with pressure?
Do you create the unwilling creation too? HOW?
Do you create out of a womb?
Do you complete creation?
Do you create with passion or compassion?
Do you create for happiness?
Will you come into me and create my life too?


photo courtesy - Sushmit Ghosh@http://mentalsyrup.wordpress.com/

Burning away the darkness

Do you know the name of the village where my grandmother lived?
The name of my grandfather scribbled over the iron box,along with his designation. The family that my runaway aunt married into!
The hospital I was born in..
How old was I when my younger sister was born?
What did I feel when I first took her in my arms..
If I have ever seen a baby prettier then her?
How I learnt to be responsible for her one fine day.
The story behind my and my sister's name.
The first thing my dad asked for after he had a freak accident!
What age was my dad when he discovered that he was a diabetic?
What was that one song that he and I keep listening to?
How am I like/unlike him?
Have you ever thought of burning away the darkness of this world by knowing the essential few things of your or my life?

Be very scared of me!

I have nothing to loose except my dreams!

Big Fish v/s Small Fish

Big Fish: "I have been there done that! I came before you!"
Small Fish: "I came today..but I am gonne be there where you are one day!"
Big Fish: "I am very important"
Small Fish: "I know...I even liked you perhaps because of that"
Big Fish: "I do important things..I dont have time to waste on you and your faults"
Small Fish: "Its gonna take sometime for me to learn...I dont know if I can help that...but thats how you started..didnt you?"
Big Fish "Go away I am angry"
Small Fish: "If I go away how will you be important anymore?"

Keeping out the flames?

I am the flame of the forest blooming in your garden now...how can you not look at me!
I am the little chuckle of laughter swirling to awaken you in the mornings, dont pretend you havent gotten up!
Its me the thunder knocking outside your window..you cant not hear me!
I am the fire you are keeping out of you life by this slowburn between your fingers, Drop it now!
I am rain..and I am not going to spain...and you have to see my face again and again.
Stop thinking you can ignore me!~

In Elephant Soup!

When you are in elephant soup floating could be an issue. In fact everything is an issue…you have crossed such boundaries that it would be hard to keep any measurements in place.
Measurements of Of love of freedom of power. Of lust and hunger. Of asceticism and of abundance…of lack and plenty. All the words mingle into complete nonsense and you are left churning this thick bloody soup.

You cant remember what gravity felt like. And you can’t remember standing up straight…anyways you don’t want to do it now.
The soup smells nice and you are Hungry too…that’s why you landed in it didn’t you? But you don’t know here what’s going to happen if you gulp in one mouthful…well a sip you did take in and you remembered heaven that day. And Since then you have been dazed…
When do you get to drink the soup?
Who is the poor elephant who got slaughtered for this?
Is this the whole of it or are there others like you sitting inside tubs filled with elephant soup?
Did your hunger warrant this? Have you made peace with your hunger?
Is it good for the elephants? Do you think elephants would like to have elephant soup in their breakfast?
What are you worrying about? Don’t bother…just keep yourself floating in it till the time you can gulp this elephant soup! You have been really hungry…forget the elephant….have the soup!

Radhe Radhe

I'll make a film.
About Radha of Vrindavan...I dont know when..I dont know with whom..but someday!
It will be a good film..Its been brewing in my blood for sometime.It would go out in the world and speaks to everyone.It will be a film I would want to see.

I fear for the truth!

When my truth becomes so overpowering that it starts piercing into my veins
when I get up at night with clenched fists...holding the promise of my truth in my hand..it draws blood in my nails....its difficult to go back to sleep at nights these days...
Is it truth or is it madness that is growing within me?
I am helplessly blind as i stare into it to find out...
I have no way of finding out
There are growing shouts of slogans inside me...they shout louder everyday...does anybody else hear it too? Am I the only one who is supposed to be awakened by it...
This rowdy truth..this unflincing state of things within me...
What about the the larger world?
What if its just a pink bubble of stupidity....just a lot of my own shit smoking profound suddenly...and I a poor servant at...must carry it out...because it has fallen on my head..because its grown in my stomach..nurtured on my hopes and desires.
Its looks so precious...
What if it isnt the larger truth?
And I will forever fight everything that tries to break this dream...
The largest truth, the gods truth, the human truth...every logic, every rule, every single thorn on its way...
Its the truth of my dream.
Every thorn in its way pierces me like a dagger...every silly thorn becomes like a tank pointing at me...ready to shred me to pieces...because I have a truth growing in my belly.
and I fear for every truth of this world.

Tell me someday

What were you doing when I sang that song, the best that i have sung so far...
does that song not come back to you on fresh mornings when you want to get on with your new life?
what did you hear when I bared my heart to you.
What do you see when you see me?
How much do I total up to in your MATHEMATICS of life.
Tell me do my prayers reach you?
Does my silent anger cause some irritation in your throat?
Do you feel complete on that mountain with my hopes all floating around your neck..arent you scared that someday they will gather like a noose and strangle your noble thoughts on the world.
Dont you have spirals of our conversation floating around you when somebody talks to you? does it not catch you unaware?
Have people never snapped at you because you were absentminded thinking about me?
tell me someday...why doesnt it happen to you..like it happens to me!

Empty bed blues....

Somedays I get up and feel this lump of great sadness in my throat.
Those days its a shame to look inside. There is a wet lump of lonliness dangling around somewhere..dont know if the world sees it..I feel it hanging down my shoulders.
And then doubts creep in like sand snakes on the shore
Has my love so far has been a total waste of everybodies time?
I havnt built anything that would last me and I havnt found anything that was really mine...All I wanted to do was temporary...my art, my work..all about fads that passed away gradually
I pray for grace...and I feel a kick in my gut...its not happening..
The prayers flare up inside...I cant be patient when I see nothing to hold onto in my hand.
Somedays its difficult to ignore these loud roaring questions.
Someday I must confront this emptiness and shout and swear at the world..
How long will I run and leave it all behind?
Where have you disappeared?
Why am I alone in all of this?
Why was I here all these years? For whom?
What have I been doing?
Has it all been waisted time?

A friend far away...

As you make your way in another world...meet new people,make new friends..
what will happen to the world that lives in us?
will you make changes in that world that we had woven together...what changes will those be?
will you keep me updated? will you be able to convey all the one thousand things that are thrown at you
Have you forgotten our anthem of breaking away from this SYSTEM that buys us?
will time buy our dreams?
were those dreams so Juvenile? did they have nothing of our truth in them?
is it so easy to discount us?
am i the only one who misses those times on your roof, overlooking the stars...and the distant lights.
Were our dreams so diffrent?
is this the end of all that...that was to be ..if we let it be?

Streets on fire

some days you get up from your reverie and the streets are on fire.
there is anger and violence in the air.
You have been building with your silly heart...and you realise how unworthy the world is....
That is the day you set eveything on fire.
Good riddance to all good hearted madness!
Wake up now!

There has been a change of plan

is there ever a plan?!

Cutting Through it!

I (think) i am getting over adding I think to my every sentence...
somethimes i dont think,things just ARE!

Growing Tall Everyday

Everytime i get a kick on my but from life...telling me CANT HAVE THAT.
I cry, I shout, I pout.
These dreams that come to me uninvited...I put them in my little heart and they wreck havoc in there...
There's something in me that doesnt die with those dreams...
That something goes in my bones..becomes me..and i grow tall.
Everyday I grow tall because of all that I wanted and how wide I opened my arms to receive it...
whether it came or it dint come I dont remember..but my hands my arms streched till eternity to recieve it.
I dont close my heart when it doesnt come... I break it open
Is that why I grow tall everyday.
Taller than Yesterday!

Amor Fati'

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer."
Nietzsche

Mama

When I was a little girl..did it take a lot of effort to love me?

Not just here...

What happens when I am here and my thoughts ventillitate?
What happens when where I want to be hijacks the whole of my existence and I levitate on air flying without wings...it may be pure desire but its got sharp claws and it gnaws at me..will it not tear this mundane reality into building bridges with there ?
Even when I am here I am in a trance sitting under that gate
I am away...but I am knocking hard...and this slow thumping will become a deafning thunder...
because I am not just here today...I am there as well...
I was there all this while...extracting promises from the small slants of morning light that fell on my bed.
Telling it that I would reach there one day..
before today before yesterday...long long before I could have given it any name
I was never quite anywhere even when I was there...I was here at this gate.
And now that I have seen it..although am not quite there
You think ill not reach it...
I am not just here because just here is just not enough
I am there I am there I am there

A Song for my daughter....

Little one...when you come to this world..come with a fire in your belly and twinkle in your eye...
Its a cruel world...Its a magical world too...
there are elephants and there are mice in this world
there are nights under the stars..and then there are nights with nothing but the smell of tears on your pillow and empty beds...
But you are in my heart twinkling like a diamond on my finger
you are the courage in my heart
you are the blood and bone that will live on much beyond all these little tragedies of my life
My little one...its easy to forget..but never forget...you are the little piece of life that is greater than these large imposing powers around.
You are the little spark that is sharper than these defeated souls
Be Brave when you are here
Never loose your wonder my little one..you have generated that is the heart of a lost soul long before you came in this world...
I miss you little one...Come into this world for a great reason...
Come to meet your mother one day...

My Scars

These scars of these years that i have lived
blue black and some still GREEN
some day if i show them to you..will you shudder?
will you be able to see what had happened that day i fell?
the day i was struck by lightening?
i carry that pain in my little bag that i take along with me everywhere
these scars have made me what i am today
given me this xray vision
thats how i saw you..the real you behind that powerful cunning shape that you flaunt!
those scars that you hide all and cover and forget and get busy around
look at your scars and look at my scars
the real you and the real me
THESE SCARS THAT MAKE US WHAT WE ARE...
Will you see my scars one day?

THIS ONE BATTLE

This one battle...
This battle Against uncertainty...
against not knowing..
against not having been there all the bloody while when the decisions are made..
Everybody fights the same bloody battle
everybody wants to be focused...nobody likes being lost on the way...
nobody likes being on their own all the bloody while..
Nobody likes orders. Nobody likes being ordered around. Nobody likes being vulnerable...nobody likes waiting forever nobody waits forever..
Nobody likes being a nobody...
life makes nobodies out of us
then you look at life. you smirk...
you know its not going to be like this forever. you find your kingdom one day
these are the days of exile
the days of exile
these will be remembered as good days too
when you sit in your castle counting your pennies and your men
you will miss the days of being a mere nobody
when nobody on the street knew you
when you were free to sleep on the road
when you had all the blue sky to yourself
had the time to speak to every gulmohur on the road about this cruel indifferent world
this is the one battle that you will fight well
this is the battle you will win one day
this one battle that occupies your whole bloody life
this silly battle
this one battle that you and I fight today!
This one battle I am not loosing this time..
Do you hear me? Loud and clear? I am not loosing this time!
Not this on battle for this one time

becoming somebody....

"Mr Darcy shall we dance?":)

Wanting wanting wanting more!

What would I give to
1. Be near my own books that are lying at 10 thousand diffrent places.
2. Smell the sweet peas.
3. Go back to my village in the terai and smell the cottonsilks there.
4. Tell my Mom and Dad that I am doing well in life and they dont need to worry.
5. Go to Lucknow and stay with an old friend and tell her the every damn thing That I have missed out on telling her.
6. Hold your hand and sing with you ...there is no hurry in life...i am ok and I am doing well.

Flying....

It feels damn scary...there are knots in my stomach...I feel weak. I dont know what should I shove down my throat to shut up these crazy sounds from my gut.
Too much is happeneing...I dont know if I can take it..but I want to take it all in.I am in the air and i may die for all i know...
too much is happening...every cell inside me is charged sending loaded signals to my brain!my brain is wearing out.i am gonna give up..any moment...i may make the wrong move any time and come crashing down!
but what am i saying? i am flying bcoz because thats what i wanted to do all my life...i cant be bad at flying...ive practised it in my head all my life!
but what did i do to deserve it to get it now at this moment?
but lemme just fly!
shut up and fly
when youre flying dont talk just fly
dont think just fly!

Me and the fly....

The fly i think i shall escape
the fly i keep revisiting
the fly that never sits with me long enough to give me a choice to decide
the fly which has another universe than mine
the fly that goes away after stinging hard everytime
i wonder when exactly does it slip out of my mind that i am not supposedto marry that fly?
OK I MUST SAY IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO MYSELF
dont marry the fly!