Mango Me

I believe in God. I believe In God because he made mangoes. There surely must be a god who created something as perfect, wild, exceptional as a mango. That Juicy Yellow paisley ball full of sparkling life force. That tingly fresh sugar shock on the tongue and that soothing sensation all the way from down the jaw; to the throat; to the stomach. In the stomach it turns into a golden fire and sends warmth to the blood, heart and lungs. Its heaven! Even the loose motions after an excess diet of mangoes make them more exquisite.

I’ll tell you a secret. I don’t trust people who don’t like to eat mangoes. I think there is something sinister about them. Who knows they may be just from some other planet where people are indifferent, don’t have enough taste buds or just too arrogant to consider mangoes as a fruit worthy of worship. Someday I am going to take up a gun and Kill all of them from the face of this earth. It’s not about the choice or taste. It’s about believing in different Gods.


When I was a Kid there was a ritual of Mango Eating in the whole of Dhindsa family (My mother’s side of the family) coming together to compete with each other. In the larger Farmhouse courtyard there would be mangoes in Steel Buckets floating in the hand pumped water. There would be manjis spread out under huge Mulberry Trees. I would sit near my Nanaji and Mom. They were my good friends and from my Party. Nani and Mama would be far away. They were the enemy party who liked checking who was to have how much and how. It should be criminalised, Checking/disturbing/advising anybody while eating mangoes! There are no absolute canons on how mangoes should be eaten. Although tearing away the skin and eating them while they drip over till your arms is supposed to be a successful method to reach ecstasy. But the Grenade method is fun too. You bite off the black acidic part and pull out the juice of heaven. A little by your hand and a little by suction.

One day says the folklore of my family that I had 5kgs of ripe Dushheris still hot from the plucking in one big go. After that I could barely walk (must have been 6 years!) To acknowledge fend off and make okay everyone’s shock I said something like ‘Aaaj toh Hosh Hi aa gaya’ meaning to say something like ‘This brought me back to my senses’ but to my shock It sent everybody rolling down their seats laughing. Drunk on Mangoes It must have been a very stupid thing to say to people who were still sober. I haven’t made that mistake of declaring my bliss to people who haven’t reached those heights with/without their poisons. I now prefer to eat mangoes in solitude. The world failed me as a child... It’s sad. To not be able to shout loudly and dance naked after eating a mango. I think it’s shameful that we don’t have connoisseurs of mangoes like tea and wine.

I have a friend Sakaar who is from the same planet as mine. He is the kind of man who remembers his childhood friends for the number of Mango trees they had in their houses. ( Saakar now I know why you haven’t made any friends in Delhi) One day we were sitting down over coffee with his group of friends in Chandigarh and he randomly throws this question at his friend who had come to visit him from his engineering college.. ‘Yaar how is that big mango tree in your house?’ The friend a little sadly replied that it had been cut down because of some construction. It angered Sakaar so clearly that he didn’t speak for the next 10 minutes. He went out, withdrew and stopped behaving like any of us were with him. I can completely understand that kind of reaction. It is really painful to know another connection to what gave you joy in childhood has succumbed to the rationality of the Indifferent planet People.


My earliest dream of abundance was of fairies dancing around a laden mango tree. They were just going round and round wearing disco lights on their foreheads. I was a kid so I watched them from distance. My dancing without any real curves on my body then would have disgraced that heavily scene. But I have always carried that dream with me. Someday I will have a garden full of women to dance around a tree laden with luscious yellow mangoes hanging from a tree.

I don’t know if it will sound funny but I even remember checking out men with a qualifier like Does he eat mangoes after meals? A friend from my Planet Rishu Beri helped me in the analysis. ‘Offcourse Yaar I think he is totally like us! Eats mangoes after Dinner.’ I can vouch that Rishu was wrong. That man never went near mangoes. He was the other planet monster. He though it was too ‘AAM’ common a fruit to waste time on. I never believed it then. I still sometimes can’t believe that people can live without awakening to the magic of mangoes. I was so foolish that I would think that he was just being inattentive or rude to me but in truth he must be loving mangoes. A lot of heartbreak later I realised. He didn’t have the stomach for mangoes. He could only deal with other toned down lesser prana food like Maggi and such shitty things. (No wonder he was so constipated all the time)


Anyways not to lose up on the juice of life I must tell you that I have good news. A nutritionist told me that a season full of mangoes supplies year long need of Beta Carotene. Maybe that ought to make you grab a bunch of Dussherries (but why shouldn’t you also grab some Hapoos, Bambaiya, Chausa, Totapari, Neelam, or Langda?) But maybe you don’t know which is which. Maybe you will never make the effort to find out and know that delicate difference in their flavours. Nevermind Enlightenment isn’t for everyone. I have reached can only pray that you reach there one day too. Unless offcourse you are from that Indifferent Planet. In which case Happy Maggi eating to your Ilk. May your Tribe Terminate!